When you feel all fucked up in the head and nobody understands—nobody’s trying to understand, that’s when you know that you’re really fucked.
I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. At this point, I don’t even know what caused it, or if there’s even a reason why it started in the first place. I had a fucked up childhood and had a fucked up life growing up, but I’ve come a long way from that. But still, I have this—I feel this.
And it comes at me at any given time of day or week or month without any actual reason. I just feel it and it sucks. It sucks the life out of me and it sucks my will to live.
Yes, I have suicidal thoughts and I often feel like just ending my life. I feel useless and worthless and nobody seems to understand that no matter what other people say or do or no matter what I say to myself or do to divert those hideous thoughts, it’s still there. It will always be there.
I have been to therapy before. I took medicated anti-depressants before. And none of them really helped.
I’m trying to help myself. I’m trying to seek help from other people—friends, loved ones. But they can’t; they just don’t understand. I’m left with this stupid “advice” of “just think happy thoughts”, “think about us, your family, before thinking about killing yourself”, “there are other people who have it worse than you”, do this, do that.
Thank you very much, but bullshit. Don’t you think that I have thought about those things? But those don’t stop me from feeling this way, do it?
It’s not that easy and people can’t understand it. My own partner can’t understand it. And it pains me to my core that I’m in this alone. I’m the only one who can help me and I don’t even know where to begin because I am so lost in my own depressive thoughts.
I just want this go away. I need this to go away. I want silence. I just want to end it.