I’ve never had to deal with coming out because I’ve always been out. I guess it’s one of the perks in growing up in an all-girls school. Nobody bats an eye when they realize that you have a girlfriend — regardless of the fact that the school is actually incredibly Catholic (so it still means that the idea of anything but being a heterosexual is frowned upon).
Thing is, I’ve always known that I like girls. I’ve always been attracted to them in a way that I should be attracted to boys.
I never thought it was wrong because again, having a girlfriend was actually a “trend” in my school back in the day. When you have a “ka-on”, you’re cool. Especially when you’re with a popular lesbian — even better when she’s an upperclassman.
Again, none of it was ever big a deal.
But of course, it was always thought of as a phase by the elders.
Since we’re all in an all-girls school, it was somehow inevitable for us to feel attracted to each other because, well, we had no other choice in the matter. There were no boys around to fill in one’s adolescent need to have a crush on another human being.
It was never a phase for me.
In fact, experimenting with guys was my phase.
At one point, I grew tired of the judgmental questions and endless nudging of other people to just “try it out” with a guy because I probably just haven’t met my match.
So I did. Basically to shut them all up and to prove my point.
I went out with guys. I held hands with guys. I kissed guys. I even had sex with a few (as in 2 guys).
But it never felt right. And I felt like I was just pushing myself to believe that this is what I should want regardless of the fact that I’ve actually always known what I want. And it’s the complete opposite.
I just had to please other people. I just don’t want to give them the satisfaction of me answering “no, I haven’t been with a guy before” because I know what they’re going to say to that answer. They’re going to tell me that that’s why I’m a lesbian — because apparently, the basis of being a lesbian these days is proving to yourself and to other people that you actually really do not like men by getting in bed with them and having them stick their dicks into your vagina.
“Hey, I got that out of the way already so y’all can shut up and let me have my fun with another woman’s vagina. Thank you very much.”
I’ve always been open about my sexuality. I’ve always been proud of my sexual preference. And I’ve never been ashamed to admit that I’m gay. Even if that means I get tons of questions (judgmental or otherwise) from people who could never understand the fact that I’m a very feminine woman who just happens to be solely romantically attracted to other women.
I don’t think it’s that hard to understand.
People could look at me weirdly all they want. They could say a thing or two behind my back. The church could condemn me to hell for all I care.
But I honestly wouldn’t have myself any other way.
Not sure what the point of this post truly is. I guess all I’m trying to say is that we all live in a judgmental world so it doesn’t matter where specifically in this world we live in, there will always be one person who would feel disgusted or somehow affected (even if the matter doesn’t actually affect them directly) by what we are or what we do. But that shouldn’t stop us from embracing ourselves anyway.
We only have one life to live (not unless you believe in reincarnation and being born again into a fucking centipede if you’ve been a crappy human being). So why don’t we just step out of our closets and live freely?
I know it’s easier said than done but we aren’t doing it for anyone but ourselves. Other people shouldn’t be put in the equation in the first place.
But hey, that’s just me and my extremely liberal
and borderline unrealistic thinking. Excuse me while I feed my unicorns rainbow cupcakes.